The Ship’s Log

By Chef JRHEvilInc/Joel R. Hunt

//Source.

Sector F wake protocol initiated.

Sector F wake protocol successful.

ALL CREW MESSAGE – Welcome back to the land of the living, F crew! You will find the place in shiny condition (we have alphabetized the protein bars. You’re welcome) so don’t mess it up for G! And don’t draw on our faces while we’re in stasis, either. We will remember, and we WILL get revenge. You have been warned. Also, F crew briefing in respective conference rooms. If you don’t know your conference, I have the list, so ask me. Nicely. – Sector E Junior Stasis Manager E. Wilks

ALL CREW MESSAGE – Reminder to crew. ‘All crew messages’ should maintain professional standards throughout – jokes are not appropriate. ‘All crew messages’ available to JUNIOR officers are a privilege, not a right. – Sector E Commander J. L. Benson

ALL CREW MESSAGE – Reminder to Sector E crew. Meet your Sector F counterparts for debrief before reporting to your pre-assigned stasis chamber. Any complications with your chamber should be reported to your pre-assigned chamber monitor IMMEDIATELY. Failure to do so will result in automatic DEMOTION. Pre-stasis exercises are mandatory. – Sector E Commander J. L. Benson

Sector E sleep protocol initiated.

Sector E sleep protocol successful.

ALL CREW MESSAGE – Good morning crew of Sector F! This is your Sector Commander A. Ashiraf. Our initial inspections have shown that Sector E has left us with a flawless ship – no outstanding maintenance jobs, no cleaning, all stock accounted for. It’s a high standard – John runs a tight ship – but I think we can do just as well! So let’s pull together, work hard, and have fun. Remember why we’re doing this. It’s out there somewhere! – Sector F Commander A. Ashiraf

ALL CREW MESSAGE – I of course meant to say “Commander Benson”, not “John”. My apologies – Sector F Commander A. Ashiraf

Maintenance notice – Light failure in Sector H-C2 hallway 7.

ALL CREW MESSAGE – Light HC2H7 fixed – Petrov Semyonovich

ALL CREW MESSAGE – Reminder to maintenance staff (and others it may concern): ‘All crew messages’ should be reserved for messages relating to the majority of the crew. Updates on maintenance-specific issues (or other departmental issues) should be left on the respective channel. Thank you in advance for your compliance – Sector F Communications Manager T. Okeke

Maintenance notice – Leak detected in Sector F-A8 shower block 1.

ALL CREW MESSAGE – Non-maintenance staff should NOT attempt to increase water flow of showers. If the pressure seems low, contact a member of maintenance. We will be happy to help – Sector F Maintenance Manager F. Hawley

Maintenance notice – Light failure in Sector A-B5 conference room.

Maintenance notice – Unexpected pressure increase detected in Rear Engine I18G9

ALL CREW MESSAGE – We are aware of the engine issue, please stop contacting us. No, we’re not about to blow up – Sector F Maintenance Manager F. Hawley

ALL CREW MESSAGE – We certainly appreciate the update Mr Hawley, thank you. To further clarify, the problem with Engine I18G9, while unexpected, was perfectly within predicted models of extended flight. The issue is being resolved presently – Sector F Commander A. Ashiraf

ALL CREW MESSAGE – And sorted! Nothing to worry about at all! Many thanks to the maintenance staff for their diligence – Sector F Commander A. Ashiraf

Maintenance notice – Door failure in Sector F-B3 hallway 4.

Maintenance notice – Light failure in Sector D-C1 stasis chamber.

Scheduled stock notice – Fuel at 75%. Food at 89%. Power at 84%. Reserve power 100% – currently inactive.

ALL CREW MESSAGE – Food levels should NOT be down to 89% already. This is utterly unacceptable. If anyone is found wasting food they will be AUTOMATICALLY DEMOTED. If anyone has been hoarding food, you have until the end of the current shift to return it in full. Anyone who fails to do so will be AUTOMATICALLY DEMOTED. Once the food is gone, it’s gone. This is not a game – Sector F Inventory Manager W. Zhang

ALL CREW MESSAGE – URGENT. Whoever has been wasting/hiding/stealing etc food, you are responsible for everyone in Sector F losing our bonus for this cycle. I am sorry, but that is just the way it is. I am aware that the vast majority of you are completely innocent of this, and to show solidarity I am electing to lose my own bonus as well. As you know, I have decided to take certain measures in response to this ongoing problem. As covered in Article #478 of the Crew Handbook, we will be entering stasis early – 47 shifts early, to be exact. That is how long it will take for food levels to balance out, meaning Sector G will wake up to the correct amount. It also means they will wake up to an empty ship. I will have a lot of explaining to do next time our cycle comes around. I am sorry to say, whoever is responsible, I am very disappointed. We need to work 110% to get this place in order, because we cannot have G waking up to a series of maintenance emergencies on top of everything else. At the end of this shift, please report directly to your respective stasis chambers and follow the normal procedure. Don’t forget your safety checks and exercises. – Sector F Commander A. Ashiraf

Sector F sleep protocol initiated.

Sector F sleep protocol successful.

Maintenance notice – Unexpected pressure increase detected in Rear Engine I18G9

Sector G wake protocol initiated.

WARNING … POWER SURGE DETECTED …

Sector G wake protocol interrupted.

Sector G wake protocol failed.

Maintenance notice – Light failure in Sector G-A3 mess hall.

Maintenance notice – Leak detected in Sector A-C6 shower block 4.

Scheduled stock notice – Fuel at 71%. Food at 89%. Power at 83%. Reserve power 100% – currently inactive.

Maintenance notice – Air circulation vent clogged in Sector E-A5 hallway 12.

Maintenance notice – Light failure in Sector C-A9 conference room.

WARNING … Debris detected, collision predicted. Course alteration recommended.

WARNING … Debris detected, collision likely. Course alteration required.

WARNING … DEBRIS COLLISION IMMINENT. IMMEDIATE COURSE CHANGE VITAL.

WARNING … COLLISION DETECTED …

WARNING … OUTER HULL BREACHED IN SECTOR H-A7

WARNING … INNER HULL BREACHED IN SECTOR H-A7

WARNING … OUTER HULL BREACHED IN SECTOR H-A8

WARNING … INNER HULL BREACHED IN SECTOR H-A8

WARNING … OUTER HULL BREACHED IN SECTOR H-A9

WARNING … INNER HULL BREACHED IN SECTOR H-A9

WARNING … OUTER HULL BREACHED IN SECTOR H-B7

WARNING … INNER HULL BREACHED IN SECTOR H-B7

WARNING … OUTER HULL BREACHED IN SECTOR H-B8

WARNING … POWER FAILURE IN SECTOR H

NO LIFE-SIGNS DETECTED IN SECTOR H

WARNING … POWER FAILURE IN SECTOR G

WARNING … POWER FAILURE IN SECTOR I

WARNING … FAILURE DETECTED IN LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM

BACK-UP LIFE SUPPORT INITIATED

BACK-UP LIFE SUPPORT OFFLINE

NO LIFE-SIGNS DETECTED IN SECTOR G

NO LIFE-SIGNS DETECTED IN SECTOR I

NO LIFE-SIGNS DETECTED IN SECTOR A

NO LIFE-SIGNS DETECTED IN SECTOR D

NO LIFE-SIGNS DETECTED IN SECTOR J

NO LIFE-SIGNS DETECTED IN SECTOR F

NO LIFE-SIGNS DETECTED IN SECTOR C

NO LIFE-SIGNS DETECTED IN SECTOR B

NO LIFE-SIGNS DETECTED IN SECTOR E

NO LIFE-SIGNS DETECTED ABOARD SHIP

Maintenance notice – Leak detected in Sector B-C3 shower block 7.

Maintenance notice – Light failure in Sector J-A6 conference room.

Maintenance notice – Light failure in Sector A-A9 stasis chamber 2.

Scheduled stock notice – Fuel at 57%. Food at 89%. Power at 12%. Reserve power offline – MANUAL RECONNECT RECOMMENDED.

Maintenance notice – Light failure in Sector E-A.

Maintenance notice – Air circulation vent clogged in Sector F-B2 conference room.

WARNING – Vacuum detected in Sector J-A7 hallway 4. Access restricted without manual override.

Maintenance notice – Light failure in Sector B-C5 stasis chamber 1.

Scheduled stock notice – Fuel at 43%. Food at 89%. Power at 7%. Reserve power offline – MANUAL RECONNECT RECOMMENDED.

Maintenance notice – Light failure in Sector B-B.

Maintenance notice – Air circulation failure in Sector F-B.

WARNING – Vacuum detected in Sector J-A7 hallway 3. Access restricted without manual override.

WARNING – Vacuum detected in Sector J-A7 hallway 2. Access restricted without manual override.

Maintenance notice – Light failure in Sector E.

Maintenance notice – Light failure in Sector B.

WARNING – Vacuum detected in Sector J-A. All areas locked down.

Scheduled stock notice – Fuel at 26%. Food at 89%. Power at 3%. Reserve power offline – MANUAL RECONNECT RECOMMENDED.

Maintenance notice – Light failure in Sector A.

PLANET CAPABLE OF SUSTAINING LIFE DETECTED.

BIOLOGICAL LIFE DETECTED.

SENTIENT LIFE DETECTED.

Mission complete.

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