1,000 Dark Jokes to Make Your Soul Rot

By Chef JRHEvilInc/Joel R. Hunt

//Source.

//Story contains references to animal cruelty, sexual assault, and other abuse.

Apparently, there’s a joke book called ‘1000 Dark Jokes to Make Your Soul Rot’, and I was wondering if anyone here had heard of it, because I seriously want to get my hands on a copy.

I’ve been into dark humour for as long as I can remember. No topic is off-limits. Terrorism. Slavery. Dead babies. Whatever. I don’t care about things being offensive; as long as it’s a good joke, I’m up for it.

So when I heard about ‘1000 Dark Jokes’, I knew I wanted to read it. The problem is, it doesn’t seem to exist anywhere. I’ve searched for hours online, I’ve looked on Amazon and Waterstones, I’ve scoured the local bookshops and libraries (Side note – I discovered that libraries are still a thing!). I even contacted some of the biggest libraries in the country and asked them to search through their stock. Nothing. There wasn’t a scrap of evidence that this book had ever been written.

Except for one forum. Continue reading “1,000 Dark Jokes to Make Your Soul Rot”

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The Last Time Any Human Speaks to Another

By Chef JRHEvilInc/Joel R. Hunt

//Source.

Through the darkness of his closed eyes, Jack let the ambiance of the hall wash through him. Dozens of clearing throats. Hundreds of shuffling bodies. Thousands of fingers sliding along screens.

Amazing how he’d never really heard it before.

“Jack Willborough?” asked a gentle voice. Jack jolted in his seat and opened his eyes. An old woman stood before him, bent over with age, or perhaps just the pain of walking across such a cavernous room to reach his table.

“Yes,” Jack said, gesturing opposite him, “I presume you’re Alice?”

A nod was her only response. No doubt she had to rest her voice for a while now. Jack watched as she struggled into the hard plastic chair, face creased with arthritic agony. A long minute dredged by. Once the woman had settled, Jack leaned in to be more easily heard.

“Should we wait for the others?” Continue reading “The Last Time Any Human Speaks to Another”

The Visitor in the Light Beige Robes

By Chef JRHEvilInc/Joel R. Hunt

//Source.

It took three days for the visitor to reach our facility.

Sharon was the first to see him, while she was on entrance duty sometime after midday. Of course, she didn’t know he was a “he” at that point. All he was at first was a bright reflection, a spot of sun glinting at us from a scope far across the rubble. A sniper, she presumed. That wasn’t a worry. Sniper bullets were far too precious to waste on settlement guards, especially sublurks like us; at the first sign of trouble we could hunker down, disappear into the endless tunnels that wound away into the dark folds of the Earth.

He wasn’t a sniper, though. When he appeared the next day, a dark figure lurking against the rising sun, we saw from his movements that he was observing us through binoculars. Though any more than that, we couldn’t discern. He kept his distance and circled us, always keeping the sun behind himself, masking his features with its relentless glare. Bernard wanted to send a team out to track him down, but the Major refused. It was likely, he said, that the visitor was trying to lure out scouts; all the easier to butcher them for meat, far from the protection of the facility. Continue reading “The Visitor in the Light Beige Robes”

He Wasn’t There

By Chef JRHEvilInc/Joel R. Hunt

//Source.

Re: The Godwin Case – progress? From: asherniazi@nhs.net To: green.em@pattontrust.org Date: 22/05/17

Hello Emily,

I was just wondering if you’d made any progress with Alesha Godwin? Peter’s been sharing more with me in session, but his account is somewhat scattered and I think some cross-referencing may shed light on what he’s telling me. In any event, we should definitely organise a meeting before the first court date, preferably a week in advance to give Defence a good time to process it all.

Kind regards,

Asher

Dr Asher Niazi, Child Psychiatrist Continue reading “He Wasn’t There”

My Dog Speaks in My Sleep 3

By Chef JRHEvilInc/Joel R. Hunt

//Source. This is part three of a series. Final part coming tomorrow.

Last night was a bad one. The most disturbing dream yet.

Not even a dream – it was a nightmare. The worst I’ve had since I was a child.

I suppose I should start with what happened during the day.

After the dream from my previous post, I went downstairs for breakfast, and one of the first things I noticed was that Gus still hadn’t touched his food. It was his third day with me, and I hadn’t seen him eat even a bite. I was worried about him. And if I’m honest, I was also a little hopeful; I started to wonder if my dreams about Gus were just a subconscious expression of my concern about him not eating. Kind of like getting nightmares before sitting an exam. It was an odd hope, sure, but it would mean there was nothing more bizarre at play. And it would mean that once he started eating again, the dreams should stop.

So I called up the shelter I’d rescued Gus from, and they put me in touch with a local vet. I took Gus in (he was still completely obedient, following me whenever I left the house without needing to be told) and let them know that he wasn’t eating. Initially they were concerned as well, but after a series of tests, they determined that he was perfectly healthy. It simply wasn’t possible that he hadn’t eaten or drank anything in days, they told me. He must have been getting food from elsewhere. Continue reading “My Dog Speaks in My Sleep 3”

My Dog Speaks in my Sleep 2

By Chef JRHEvilInc/Joel R. Hunt

//Source. This is part two of a series. Part three coming tomorrow.

I dreamt of Gus again last night.

The day had been mostly uneventful. I’d managed to shake the unsettling feeling of my first dream, and spent a while trying to get Gus to eat something. He just didn’t seem interested. I thought a walk might help, get him hungry through exercise. It also gave me a chance to go through the dream in my head, or at least what I remembered of it, and try to work out what aspect of it had got me worked up. My dreams weren’t usually so vivid. Continue reading “My Dog Speaks in my Sleep 2”

The Ship’s Log

By Chef JRHEvilInc/Joel R. Hunt

//Source.

Sector F wake protocol initiated.

Sector F wake protocol successful.

ALL CREW MESSAGE – Welcome back to the land of the living, F crew! You will find the place in shiny condition (we have alphabetized the protein bars. You’re welcome) so don’t mess it up for G! And don’t draw on our faces while we’re in stasis, either. We will remember, and we WILL get revenge. You have been warned. Also, F crew briefing in respective conference rooms. If you don’t know your conference, I have the list, so ask me. Nicely. – Sector E Junior Stasis Manager E. Wilks

ALL CREW MESSAGE – Reminder to crew. ‘All crew messages’ should maintain professional standards throughout – jokes are not appropriate. ‘All crew messages’ available to JUNIOR officers are a privilege, not a right. – Sector E Commander J. L. Benson

ALL CREW MESSAGE – Reminder to Sector E crew. Meet your Sector F counterparts for debrief before reporting to your pre-assigned stasis chamber. Any complications with your chamber should be reported to your pre-assigned chamber monitor IMMEDIATELY. Failure to do so will result in automatic DEMOTION. Pre-stasis exercises are mandatory. – Sector E Commander J. L. Benson Continue reading “The Ship’s Log”